me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*