interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh