Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.