the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?