Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?