Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.