If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
That earthquake could have been an email.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.