Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.