[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.