This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”