Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?