*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.