ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”