ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!