her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too