I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’
Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”