[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
