Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
me watching my own Instagram story
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.