My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
