These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates