Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?