My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
They did not think through this water fountain
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!