HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?