(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
me as a parent
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.