My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.