[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.