Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
