GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck