You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs