Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My inexpensive home security system…
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Breaking news:
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow