#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.