My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My inexpensive home security system…
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow