*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Breaking news:
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.