PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?