[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now