[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?