Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do