[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.