of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree