A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.