*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on