wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Incredible customer service.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.