“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?