My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.