When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.