‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
