I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!