[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?