I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”