I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order